Act of Valor (2012)
Director: Mike McCoy, Scott Waugh
Writers: Kurt Johnstad
Stars: Alex Veadov, Roselyn Sanchez, Nestor Serrano
Viewed: February 26, 2012
Review: Act of Valor received the most shrill, disgruntled, personally irritated, and more than vaguely pathetic criticism I’ve seen dished out on any movie. It pushed a lot of buttons. Stepped on a lot of P.C. toes. Slugged a lot of tender, sleepy faces. Do you think it just might have done something right? Oh, ya think?
Give it up for this one, people. This movie rocked. No, it wasn’t perfect, and if I could change just three things, they’d be 1) the musical score, especially the opening five minutes…just, no music, please; 2) dialogue here and there, but mostly 3) the glorious sunset glow over the whole thing. Because, to sum it up, this movie’s only real weakness is some low-grade mawkishness, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a grittier score (or no score at all), some tougher talk, and a more documentaryish, you-are-there filter.
True, Navy SEALs can’t act. But most of this movie isn’t acting. True, it’s essentially a recruiting poster brought to life. Um…so? And true, it’s massively gung ho. Well, it’s the SEALs. This movie is a tribute to the best of the best, and if that’s its biggest crime, you can count me guilty by association. The only reason our bugles can play “Taps” with any honesty is because of dudes like these. Hold that salute. Here’s to damn few.
The Adjustment Bureau (2011)
Director: George Nolfi 
Writers: George Nolfi
Stars: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt
Viewed: March 10, 2011
Review: The gosh-awful, fedora-sporting divinities trip the script as often as they do the divinely attractive mortals at its center. This is probably the only time I wanted the plot to scram so I could focus on watching the cute couple.
The Adventures of Tintin (2011)
Director: Steven Spielberg 
Writers: Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright
Stars: Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis
Viewed: January 1, 2012
Review: Never read the books, but enjoyed a good bit of this hyperactive bonbon toting its characters like so many (brilliantly) CGI-ed sprinkles.
The Age of Innocence (1993)
Director: Martin Scorsese 
Writers: Edith Wharton, Jay Cocks
Stars: Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, Winona Ryder
Viewed: August 22, 2008
Review: Eye-crossingly tedious. I have a lot of stamina whenever it comes to Daniel Day-Lewis, but jeepers — Scorsese does not know the meaning of “delete scenes.” If I absolutely must watch a syrupy love triangle, at least make it less than a fat 2 hours.
Air Force One (1997)
Director: Wolfgang Petersen 
Writers: Andrew W. Marlowe
Stars: Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Glenn Close
Viewed: January 24, 2004
Review: This was one giant cheeseball film — which makes the third cheeseball film by Wolfgang Peterson I’ve seen, and I don’t plant to fidget through another.
Alien (1979)
Director: Ridley Scott 
Writers: Dan O’Bannon, Ronald Shusett
Stars: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, John Hurt, Ian Holm
Viewed: December 28, 2007
Review: If you believe in a dark, frightening, wretched world that crawled out of primordial goo with no Creator in sight, then Alien should be your favorite movie. No God. No hope. No point. No plan. Nothing but survival of the luckiest and ghastly, ghastly deaths for those who aren’t. I appreciated this movie because, if I’m going to put myself through grisly nihilism, I prefer my grisly nihilism to be well told, and Alien is. Great dialogue, diverse characters, solid pacing, logical story, and a strong trajectory — just about everything Ridley Scott scrapped when he made Prometheus.
Along Came a Spider (2001)
Director: Lee Tamahori 
Writers: James Patterson, Marc Moss
Stars: Morgan Freeman, Michael Wincott, Monica Potter
Viewed: March 25, 2005
Review: One of those irking movies that swaps warmth and satisfaction for wild unpredictability.
Amadeus (1984)
Director: Milos Forman 
Writer: Peter Shaffer
Stars: F. Murray Abraham, Tom Hulce
Viewed: January 27, 2013
Review: I have no idea if Mozart was really such a silly, conceited, dirty-minded, puerile brat (though, having been the pet of the courts since he was a toddler, he probably was), but regardless of that, the movie is amazing because it gives us a frightening view of ourselves. You won’t find any heroes here, but you will find a mirror. Every one of us would, apart from God, become just like the disgruntled, desperately envious Antonio Salieri — another Jonah who cannot abide to see God’s grace bestowed on the unworthy, to see His glory shine in such a dishonorable vessel. Bitterness, as one genius put it, is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Salieri is a bitter man, a poisoned man, and in killing Mozart, he attempts to kill God, and only succeeds in digging his own rancorous grave.
Amazing Grace (2006)
Director: Michael Apted 
Writer: Steven Knight
Stars: Ioan Gruffudd, Albert Finney, Michael Gambon, Benedict Cumberbatch, Ramola Garai
Viewed: March 5, 2008
Review: Over-zealous and over-simplified. Looking at the talents of the cast (minus Ioan Gruffudd, who has yet to impress me with anything beyond his admirable cheekbones), I was hoping for more out of this film, but now I know better than to trust Michael Apted, who went on to even worse blunders with The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
The Amazing Spiderman (2012)
Director: Marc Webb 
Writers: James Vanderbilt, Alvin Sargent
Stars: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans
Viewed: July 8, 2012
Review: Perhaps The Amazing Spiderman didn’t quite justify the need for a remake, but between Andrew Garfield and Toby Maguire, I’m with Garfield. The story, dialogue, and special effects are more real without losing all the glossy fun of the superhero genre, and Peter Parker goes through a tougher, more nuanced transformation than what boils down to the rather simplistic “with great power comes great responsibility.” Emma Stone is also a delight as the considerably classier Gwen Stacy (who suits the nerd-next-door much better than the often braless MJ).
American Gangster (2007)
Director: Ridley Scott 
Writers: Steven Zaillian, Mark Jacobson
Stars: Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Josh Brolin
Viewed: September 26, 2010
Review: This was rather grimy, burly, and out of shape, which seems to be Ridley Scott’s forte more and more lately. Denzel Washington is suitably likable as drug tycoon Frank Lucas — but he stays too likable. Couple this villain worship with a tarnished hero (Russell Crowe), and scads of sex, nudity, and vulgarity, and American Gangster becomes just another impressive production that besmirches the line between good and evil.
Angels and Demons (2009)
Director: Ron Howard
Writers: David Koepp, Akiva Goldsmann
Stars: Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer
Viewed: November 25, 2009
Review: Toothless and disposable. At least The Da Vinci Code was a fairly decent film, even if it was also a risible heap of blasphemous hooey. Angels and Demons is just the latter.
Apocalypto (2006)
Director: Mel Gibson 
Writers: Mel Gibson, Farhad Safinia
Star: Rudy Youngblood
Viewed: March 10, 2010
Review: Possibly the most nauseating movie I’ve seen. (I watched this while eating dinner, and within five minutes had to turn it off so I could actually swallow my food in peace.) Like The Passion, this movie threw a lot of people into a tizzy with its merciless, grotesque honesty, which leaves us with the central question: is the violence justified? I’d have to argue yes. But I still couldn’t recommend this movie to most people. The story needs it, but not everyone needs the story. If you tend to fall for the rubbish about the “noble savage,” then watch it, because what Apocalypto does best is show paganism in all its hellish glory, contrasting it with a single moment of Christian gospel at the end. But if you already know that the Mayans ripped beating hearts out of their sacrificial victims (among many, many other horrors), then you don’t need to abuse yourself with this one. You’ll just feel exploited and beat up.
Argo (2012)
Director: Ben Affleck
Writers: Chris Terrio, Tony Mendez, et al.
Stars: Ben Affleck, Bryan Cranston, Alan Arkin, John Goodman
Viewed: November 22, 2012
Review: Screenwriters, editors, and director worked together to boil this story down to all the best nail-biting moments — strung together slow and unbearably taut. From the first second, you don’t feel like you’re watching this on CNN. You’re actually with the American hostages in the same room, sharing the same sweat. That Affleck didn’t receive an Oscar nod should go down as one of the most unforgivable snubs in Hollywood snot history.
The Artist (2011)
Director: Michael Hazanavicious 
Writer: Michael Hazanavicious
Stars: Jean Dujardin, Berenice Bejo, John Goodman
Viewed: March 3, 2012
Review: Really enjoyed this amazingly risky throwback to silent films, though I’d tweak the timing of the hero’s transformation. The silence is golden, but it’s broken too late.
Ash Wednesday (2002)
Director: Edward Burns 
Writer: Edward Burns
Stars: Edward Burns, Brian Burns, Elijah Wood
Viewed: March 14, 2008
Review: Turned it off after half an hour and snapped the DVD in two. Dialogue was lazy and foul — the laziest and foulest I’ve seen of all lazy and foul crappy crap. If Edward Burns ever had a clue about how to write and direct a film, he took that clue, flushed it down the toilet, fished it out of the sewer, buried it six feet deep, and did the chicken dance on its grave. Made me wish Burns had gotten a load of buckshot to the heinie in every other movie I’ve seen him in.
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)
Director: Andrew Dominik 
Writers: Andrew Dominik, Rob Hansen
Stars: Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck, Sam Shepard
Viewed: March 6, 2010
Review: This brooding story meanders a bit long and slow, but Casey Affleck’s wowza performance makes it all worth it.
The A-Team (2010)
Director: Joe Carnahan
Writers: Joe Carnahan, Brian Bloom, et al.
Stars: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, Patrick Wilson, Jessica Biel
Viewed: October 5, 2012
Review: I love it when a movie comes together. A rocky start (it tries to cover several TV episodes in the first 20 minutes) is quickly overcome by fun, nonsense, noise, wit, and generous overkill. Patrick Wilson deserves a special award for conveying buckets of frustration without uttering a single syllable (since this was supposed to remain PG-13).
At the End of the Spear (2005)
Director: Jim Hanon 
Writers: Bill Ewing, Bart Gavigan
Stars: Louie Leonardo, Chad Allen
Viewed: April 11, 2008
Review: This movie isn’t nearly as powerful as the story it tells. Low budget, bad acting, shabby storytelling, no resonance.
Atonement (2007)
Director: Joe Wright 
Writers: Ian McEwan, Christopher Hampton
Stars: James McAvoy, Keira Knightley, Saoirse Ronan, Ramola Garai, Benedict Cumberbatch, Juno Temple
Viewed: October 7, 2009
Review: A little liar who wrecks her sister’s life grows up to write a book that ends the way her sister’s story should have ended. It’s an admirable idea. But the numerous dislocated story joints destroy the pacing, and the library scene (not to mention Keira Knightley’s bony back and shoulder blades) don’t induce me to care much at all whether these lovers get their happy ending.
August Rush (2007)
Director: Kirsten Sheridan 
Writers: Nick Castle, James V. Hart
Stars: Freddie Highmore, Keri Russell, Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Viewed: December 22, 2007
Review: Han Zimmer’s grabby, rhythmic score is the strongest part of this more than slightly fuzzy feel-gooder.
Avatar (2009)
Director: James Cameron 
Writers: James Cameron
Stars: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver
Viewed: July 13, 2010
Review: Avatar (bright, blue, and beautiful notwithstanding) is very much its own satire. If I were to make a parody of Avatar, I would make, well, Avatar. It was bad on so many levels. Politics? Wretched. Message? Abysmal. Music? James Horner. Story? Hackneyed up a storm. (I predicted every move after the first five minutes, and I hadn’t even seen Pocahontas.) It was also loooooooong. Way too long. If I had to pick between watching this again and listening to a drunk guy stretch out an old, boring joke without ever reaching the punchline, I’d go with the drunk.
The Avengers (2012)
Director: Joss Whedon 
Writers: Zak Penn, Joss Whedon
Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston
Viewed: May 6, 2012
Review: Director Joss Whedon had the same challenge as his heroes: exactly how are we going to handle so much awesome sauce in the same movie? But handle it he did, and with a surprising amount of brain mixed with all this monstrous brawn. Trust the writer of Toy Story to juggle an ensemble cast and deliver a solid story bursting with wit and flair and fun. One of the best movies of 2012.
The Aviator (2004)
Director: Martin Scorsese 
Writer: John Logan
Stars: Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, Kate Beckinsale
Viewed: June 17, 2005
Review: This was brilliantly and disturbingly real. And no fun at all.
GMBurrahobbit 