It should surprise roughly no one that Jimmy Kimmel’s mordant warning to meanies who dare critique the red-carpet peacockery made me go something along the lines of Oh, yeah? Sure, cruelty is off limits, but come on: these people are here for the world to see. So let’s see them–I mean really see them. (Exactly what is that dress doing, anyway?) Like last year, I am joined by my roommates and sisters-in-arms, Grace and Ashley, and we’ll restrict our comments to the ladies (mostly).
As for how funny Ellen DeGeneres was or wasn’t (mostly was), or why Gravity should have taken Best Picture over 12 Years a Slave, or how jeepers ironic it was for Matthew to thank God for a movie so squalid that simply reading the content synopsis made me want to cleanse my mind with Winnie the Pooh, I shall bite my tongue. This here is about the dresses.
Cute. Hand her to one of the winners and no one would know the difference.
Ashley: The whole thing makes her look older than she is. The dress is nice, but…that random side peplum…
Gwen: Looks like she’s riding 70 mph in a red Ferrari with both doors open. Better hang onto that $2 million dollar necklace.
Pink goddess!!! So good.
Another pink goddess!!! As Ashley says, Penélope doesn’t need to show skin to be sexy. We all know that.
Radiant, Viola. The color is St. Patty’s perfect and your smile is the most beautiful thing.
Lovely, tasteful, and age appropriate.
Ashley: If I could do my hair, that’s what I would want it to be like. She kept the top simple and her top simple, but the skirt…is weird.
Grace: Meh, her hair actually looks kinda hairsprayed and messy.
Gwen: Looks like a hairnet. And sorry, Emma, but to even approach that kind of dumpiness in a dress is actually a crime over here. Or should be.
Grace: I love her fringe.
Gwen: Giant silver moccasin.
Lupita, your speech was adorable and we love you and the color is a dream, but all we see right now is sternum.
Ashley: But the material looks like car upholstery, though I love the fact that she wore long sleeves.
So Kate presented the award for best live action short film, sporting a feature-length neckline.
Gwen: This is so heinously ill-fitting.
Ashley: It’s Marilyn Monroe lace that you wear when you’re “not showing cleavage”…
Grace: It looked better when she moved on stage.
Ashley: Is it sheer? Is it not? There are too many questions for me.
Ashley: That is quite the dress, but it’s disjointed.
Grace: Is that just the way she’s holding her purse?
Gwen: Her dress is frozen!!!
Grace: Her necklace is gorgeous.
Ashley: Too much.
Grace: It’s just a t-shirt dress without the necklace. It needs some pizazzle.
Gwen: Lovely. She’s gained some honest friends since last year’s yikes.
Total agreement: this couple is smashing. We want to TRY THAT DRESS ON and wear it somewhere. It’s so covered up and so gorgeous.
Ash: Shiny breastplate!
Grace: She needs a new shape. Exactly the same as last year.
Gwen: Just dipped in glue and rolled in a disco ball.
Gwen: This is a half-peeled, very shiny black banana.
Ashley: Yes, it’s very severe.
It seems only fair to include Jared with the ladies. All I have to say is, Hollywood has found its next Jesus.
Grace: I don’t like the neck thing.
Ashley: But she had to do something to make it weird. Other than that, it’s like–dang! DANG, Lady Gaga! When you dress almost like a normal person, you look almost normal!
Gwen: My dear, you have an exoskeleton. And you’re getting ready to molt.
Gwen: The Angelina leg. It’s been done.
Grace: It looks like “I have five good ideas, let’s put it all in one dress.”
Ashley: It looks pokey. Like pokey crochet. Oh, wait, it’s beading. It looks like pokey beading.
Grace: She makes a great redhead.
Gwen: The top half is a nice twist. But the bottom half…
Ashley: Have you ever been to a bridal shower where they make a gown out of toilet paper?
Ashley: I adore Sally, but this dress just devours her. It’s like nom, nom, nom, eat Sally Hawkins!!!
Ashley: Dang, girl!!! So beautiful. Might be my favorite of the night. Love the details.
Grace: It looks tame compared to the others, but it’s a good color for her.
Gwen: She’s smoothing those hip wings for a reason. That’s what pocket knives are for. To snip off stray threads and hip wings.
Ashley: Nude dresses are not my favorite; I like contrast. But this is a work of art. Minimalism is overrated.
Grace: And her earrings!!! Opals. Wow.
Gwen: She looks like she rolled herself up in grandma’s tablecloth.
Ashley: Oh, this is a shame. For an almost flawless woman, the dress sure makes her look….no.
Grace: Looks like it’s dripping off.
Gwen: I’m just going to ecstatically approve of Brad’s artsy high-and-tight over the post-apocalyptic goldilocks he was sporting. WWZ’s over, friend.
And we conclude with this. Wowza across the board. Sandra’s dress is midnight drama and her hair is knock-us-flat lovely. Nicely done, Sandy.