A few lovely dresses adorned the red carpet yesterday evening, to be sure, but there were plenty of, um, creatures in certain getups that made us embarrassed to share the same species. The question is, which is which? Naturally, my roommates and I know the answer.

Patricia Arquette

enhanced-9682-1424645128-18 Nice, Patricia. You’ve worn a lot worse, and this is objectively a very good cut. And congrats—even though none of us have seen Boyhood.

Jennifer Lopez

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Gwen: Holy cow. How about leaving some to the imagination?

Ashley: J-Lo, you have kids. I mean, what if your kids saw you like that? When you’re getting dressed, there are just a couple details that cannot be overlooked!

Kate: Too much on the lower half and SO not enough on the top.

Keira Knightley

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Gwen: She actually looks sweet (for once), but I wouldn’t want to celebrate pregnancy by wearing a pink chiffon barn.

Ashley: Hippy-dippy cute mom, but at the same time, pregnancy-brain mom. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING.

Grace: She has words. She has words written on her dress.

Ashley: It’s probably French though.

Grace: No excuse.

Kate: Pretty hair!

Scarlett Johansson

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Ashley: Now that is QUITE the neckline. Whether it SHOULD be quite that neckline is another matter. She looks like a real-life superhero, except I think the necklace would get in the way. She’s ready for psychological warfare, that’s what she is.

Grace: Kinda gangrenous green.

Gwen: More like ugly-couch green. She could go more vibrant. I guess her shape is vibrant enough.

Kate: Um, what is dat thing crawling down her neck??

Jennifer Aniston

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Ashley: That dress goes bad places. There are parts that are sheer and parts that are not and parts that you aren’t sure, but you ARE sure that THAT should not be sheer!!

Kate: A little too heavy on the Egyptian-fishnet-princess inspiration.

Oprah

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Um, wow, so…please don’t breathe deeply when you’re on stage. Or ever. Too much heavage of cleavage, woman.

Emma Stone

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Kate: Been spending too much time around the weird science experiments-gone-wrong from Spider Man…?

Grace: She’s not usually elegant. I feel like this is more elegant.

Gwen: I throw away spinach when it looks like this.

Ashley: I like her winged victory dress better. She should have consulted me. She looks kelpish. Sea anemones would be attracted to her. She looks like weeds here, weeds there, dragged a swamp creature home…. I could go on.

Dakota Johnson

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Kate: Messy hair.

<long, complicated pause>

Ashley: How’s her dress staying up? Tape?

Grace: Must be tape.

Gwen: It’s a whip.

Laura Dern

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Ashley: I know it looks like armor and it’s a tad dungeons-and-dragons, but I still like it. And the shape is amazing.

Grace: A little Wagnerian.

Ashley: Velvet hand in an iron glove.

Gwen: O Smaug the Stupendous!

Kate: Lady Dern! If it just had a little more color…

Marion Cotillard

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Gwen: Bubble wrap sack? She ordered a couch from Costco?

Grace: It’s cut like a sleeve.

Ashley: I LOVE it. You have to see it from the back to appreciate how weird it is.

Felicity Jones

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Grace: That’s lovely.

Gwen: That’s horrible.

Ashley: I don’t like the skirt, I like the top. If the skirt had been smaller…

Grace: It’s the Oscars; why would you want a small skirt?

Gwen: I think it’s terrible how it comes in and like…like…chokes her.

Grace: I like that about it.

Kate: She looks sweet and classy. That’s a lot more than I can say for most of these damsels!

Rosamund Pike

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Ashley: After such a train wreck at the Golden Globes, this is a beautiful one. Beautiful color and actually shows off that she HAS a figure. Except for the slit in the front and her snow-blinding leg, it’s a great dress.

Naomi Watts

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Ashley: Let’s sing it together: Brick house….brick house… She looks like a ruin.

Grace: She looks like money.

Gwen: She looks like an abandoned skyscraper in Detroit with missing windows.

Kate: Sagging, monochromatic bricks. Yup.

Zoe Saldana

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Gwen: Lovely (modesty aside).

Ashley: Gorgeous, gorgeous. Va-va-voom. And glowy. I love all the tucks and the way it falls in the front. Pure poetry. That’s a sculpture in a dress.

Sienna Miller

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Kate: Looks kinda like dragon skin….

Ashley: I like this dress, but it’s different. Seems like it should end at the knee, really. I am of two minds.

Grace: That’s my favorite sheer-knee thing that I’ve seen.

Gwen: Eat a cookie. You look like you’re sucking in your cheeks.

Lupita Nyong’o

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Gwen: She always looks so happy, I almost don’t care what she wears. But this is rather stunning…in an imperfect way.

Ashley: I think she needed an arrow head, and had to cut it out her dress in order to survive. But the beading is pretty…if I could SEE it. I just wish the arrowhead were still there.

Julianne Moore

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Gwen: Jeepers.

Grace: No, no, no.

Ashley: No drop-waist, Julianne. Where that thing hits is just criminal.

Kate: Also, you’ve got mold puffs growing on your gown.

Cate Blanchett

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Gwen: This has got to be my favorite. Who knew that simple contrast could be such a head-turner.

Ashley: That’s the necklace of the night. I wonder what it’s made out of? Opals? OPALS!

Grace: Tears of the gods.

Kate: She’s got poise!

Chloe Moretz

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Gwen: This is so bad, I almost feel bad telling her how bad it is. Someone should have told her how bad this is.

Ashley: Why is it so poofy?

Grace: Her hands are in her pockets.

Kate: Too much, too much. Too much poof, too much the same color….

Ashley: The prairie-muffin print!!

Octavia Spencer

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Gwen: This is how a lovely woman dresses. I love her. She’s hilarious.

Ashley: She looks like an angel. An angel queen. A goddess angel queen.

Grace: It’s almost a little too bridal.

Ashley: Yes, but…a goddess angel bridal queen.

Reese Witherspoon

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Ashley: Ooh yes. Simple and elegant. Fitted to a tee, but in a very flattering way.

Grace: And the waist is where it should be.

Gwen: Stunning.

Gwyneth Paltrow

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Kate: Not my favorite dress, but she still has a purdy face.

Gwen: Don’t let your left arm know what your right arm is doing…apparently.

Grace: I’m not a fan of the no-sleeve, long-sleeve thing. How would you temperature regulate? You can’t put on a sweater…

Ash: You lick your forearm. That’s what kangaroos do.

Nicole Kidman

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Gwen: I’m just confused. Aren’t Oscar dresses supposed to be pretty?

Ashley: Not an okay dress. Looks like halographic. It doesn’t look good on her skin.

Grace: It’s pooching on the side.

Kate: Could she even walk if it weren’t for that slit??

Jessica Chastain

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Ashley: Stick with one neckline, people!! But her curves are lovely.

Kate: Amazing color for her complexion.

Grace: She knows her blue.

Gwen: And her hair’s lovely. Overall, this isn’t what you call half bad.

Lady Gaga

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Ashley: They look like butcher gloves. She’s getting ready to go make another meat dress.

Grace: She has full range of motion in those sleeves, for sure.

Ashley: She probably has cleavers under that skirt. But the beading’s amazing. I really would like it but for the gloves.

Gwen: She looks ready to wash dishes or kill a pig, I can’t tell which. And now we’re all talking about her dress, which is exactly what she wanted. But hey, we’re also talking about the way she sang, because it made me love The Sound of Music even more than I do, which I didn’t think was possible…

Kate: Yeah, um, no. Not a good outfit. But nice singing, lady.

Meryl Streep

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Grace: She’s doing the play on men’s wear without looking like a man.

Gwen: Um, she looks like a man.

Ashley: She’s also aging gracefully, which I do appreciate.

Kate: I’d like it better without the jacket. She’s still amazing.