Here we go! I’m joined by roommates Grace, Ashley, and Lauren for the annual critique of Oscar fashion. There were some MAJOR calamities on the Red Carpet, along with some beautiful winners. Let’s triage.
Ashley: The nude with black lace over it has been done so much it’s so trite and the sheer skirt COME ON GUYS this is so 2014 and BLAH.
Lauren: Ooh I like her.
Grace: But not the dress.
Lauren: It’s just so sheer and nude and black.
Gwen: She’s wearing a hairball.
Ashley: I think it’s a onesie with sheer bits and flaps.
Ashley: Enough with the deep Vs!
Lauren: Everything is too long: her nose, her necklace, and the cut of her dress. Is that not true? Look—from her forehead down, it’s all like whoom.
Gwen: I’ll take the truck grease over this. And the mechanical arm.
Grace: Oil slick dress, but it’s SO shiny. Daring concept, good try.
Ashley: It’s a trash bag.
Lauren: It looks like one of those bear skin rugs smashed on one side.
Gwen: I think that’s the worst I’ve ever seen her. She looks like the black polished bannisters in a really creepy villain’s mansion.
Lauren: I adore her—why are you wearing a bathrobe? Looks like Japanese cherry blossom.
Gwen: A muumuu.
Ashley: I adore it. I would totally wear that.
Lauren: Is that a pant suit? That’s a pant suit!
Gwen: That is one giant misunderstanding.
Grace: For Gaga, it’s elegant.
Lauren: Everything is falling DOWN.
Gwen: And her weird parachute!
Ashley: It’s so Liza Minnelli—such a diva move, but such a misguided and throwback diva move. Very late 60s crazy diva move.
Grace: But as Lady Gaga diva moves go, it’s quite restrained.
Ashley: Kind of prom dressy. The embellished spaghetti straps are a little early 2000s, but at least her dress isn’t cut to the navel. She’s sooooo cute.
Lauren: I want to be her.
Gwen: She’s dressing below her age but she’s a cute little mama.
Grace: There IS a wrinkle, ONE wrinkle in there. Just have to point that out.
Grace: I feel like she wears that every time, but it works.
Ashley: It is a pretty, pretty color.
Lauren: But that weird side flair…
Ashley: And that cumberband thing that’s like a crumb catcher…
Lauren: Like we had too much material up top but we didn’t want to give you sleeves so we’ll just ball it up and put it on your chest.
Gwen: I actually kind of like it. I think it works. Classy southern mom.
Ashley: Bondage corset!!!
Lauren: And then she wrapped the bed sheet around.
Grace: The bodice has a mind of its own.
Gwen: That’s self-hatred in a dress.
Ashley: 50 shades of bad.
Lauren: I love that. A bit one-dimensional shape-wise because it’s all straight, but let’s just compare leg slits, ladies.
Ashley: You have to choose chest OR legs. I’d zip it down.
Gwen: The top is so dainty like Anne Hathaway a few years back, which is cool, but then the bottom is so big.
Ashley: I wonder if she’ll step on it. She’ll let others step on it for her. Watch the V or it’ll wrap around to the front!!! How does she walk?
Grace: I think she’ll do the grapevine everywhere.
Ashley: Crab walk.
Gwen: Who is THAT MISTAKE.
Lauren: I feel like it’s an animated dress, like all the butterflies landed on you and they tried to bring it to life.
Ashley: Like the stepmother BECAME Cinderella. That’s a slightly off-putting amount of cleavage for a very demure dress.
Grace: Looks cheap to me.
Gwen: Looks way too innocent for a woman who just came out of a lesbian movie where she plays Rooney Mara’s older lover.
Grace: She’s got curves and she’s rocking them.
Grace: I don’t like it.
Ashley: Where it hits is very flattering on her.
Lauren: There’s pockets!!!
Gwen: So much better than last year. The overall picture I’m getting is pretty, but with the cutouts and the V together…my eye is still trying to figure out what’s going on…. Her earrings are gorgeous with her hair.
Lauren: Her red hair is such an accessory on its own.
Grace: I feel like the bodice is a little square. She has an amazing figure and the bodice isn’t not even taking it into consideration.
Ashley: It’s pretty rockin’.
Lauren: Pretty awesome. I guess the material is kind of A LOT. Her hair’s maybe a little shabby.
Gwen: It’s a jacket. And she came somewhere out of Smaug’s treasure under the mountain.
Ashley: The V with the strong shoulders is the Bianca Jagger smoking jacket look, but she’s accomplishing exactly what she set out to do.
Grace: Can we talk about how her clutch has a pony tail?
Gwen: Like it.
Lauren: I’m not loving the pointy asymmetry, but I feel like she’s Gaga’s counterpoint, only prettier.
Ashley: It’s a more successful attempt at vintage.
Grace: Why would you emphasize that part of your torso? What’s with her bun?
Lauren: A Samurai do!!
Ashley: Gosh, where do we begin… One square inch of the dress might work, but overall it’s a train wreck.
Gwen: It looks like someone threw a wedding cake and pearls at her and tossed her on the Red Carpet. So many kinds of snafu.
Ashley: The buttons look like a nightie. The dress almost shows her belly button, but “oh no, we didn’t.”
Lauren: Maybe she has an ugly belly button with fuzz in it?
Gwen: I love that! She looks like the seaside. I adore that blue.
Lauren: It reminds me in the best way of an ice skating costume.
Ashley: There’s so much detail in the belt, but the top is so simple. I’m not a fan of all the pooling but she looks like a mermaid in a good way.
Ashley: I really hate this.
Lauren: This looks like the stuff you string up on the backs of wedding chairs. What is that called?
Ashley: Looks like something project runway JUNIOR came up with. “Made by a seventh-grade girl!!!”
Grace: Only it’s Versace.
Gwen: She must have been really bored when she put that on.
Lauren: There’s no telling what size that other arm is.
Grace: I love it.
Lauren: See, that top I understand. And I love the hair down to one side.
Ashley: The whole look is cohesive. She’s going for a soft look.
Gwen: It’s not my style, but it’s hers for a reason.
Grace: Another win for a redhead!!
Ashley: That’s a lot. That’s a whole ton.
Grace: The color scheme is very Lisa Frank.
Gwen: Who’s Lisa Frank?
Grace: Didn’t you get those glitter pins and notebooks?
Lauren: It’s a bit scaly looking, for my taste.
Gwen: I just googled Lisa Frank and I feel ill.
Ashley: I don’t mind it, but it’s nothing to write home about.
Lauren: The waistline looks nice, but what’s up with the top?
Ashley: It’s an undecided dress.
Gwen: Nice overall, but I’d feel like that stabby neckline would give me an emergency tracheotomy if I wasn’t careful.
Ashley: Way too old: makeup, hair, dress, everything.
Lauren: Looks like the chainmail dress from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Gwen: Looks like she’s trying to do the green dress from the movie she costarred in—The Atonement. It wasn’t good.
Ashley: So Star Treky and it looks like she put on a backless dress on backwards. SO BAD EVERYTHING ABOUT IT SO BAD.
Gwen: She put on a jumper without the shirt.
Lauren: It’s not even flattering, just shows off her bust.
Grace: I feel like she’s carrying a puffer fish.
Gwen: Look at that!!!!
Grace: The color is WOW.
Ashley: Hot mama.
Gwen: It’s exciting but traditional at the same time. I feel like I can understand this dress. She’s a bit exposed, but her dress is like stars at midnight.
Lauren: I think it’s a little awkward but it’s a cool idea.
Ashley: SUCH AN AWKWARD LENGTH I DON’T LIKE IT AT ALL.
Grace: Wannabe peplum.
Ashley: No wonder she’s holding her hands like that, she has to hide the peplum. But her smile is great and I admire her for smiling in spite of wearing that dress.
Lauren: The sheer makes the length even more awkward, because how short IS it really?
Ashley: Like capri pants when you’re short.
Gwen: YES. I like it.
Ashley: It’s a little staid. It just shows off HER, and she is beautiful.
Lauren: Nice pop of blue.
Grace: She’s got a cape. She’s a superhero. Cool.
Grace: I love it so much.
Ashley: Her tan is awesome and I want one. The dress is playful and the color is amazing on her.
Lauren: I love her. She’s so cute.
Gwen: She’s typecasting herself as the innocent little girl, and she does a good job.