Okay, so the two themes of the Red Carpet this year were MEH and BLEH. Tons of emerging trends that we just can’t be friends with: double waists, tiered skirts, twin handcuff bracelets, grievous throwbacks to horrible 90s belts…. How could normal formal get left so far behind? Let’s just hope a lot of stylists are out of jobs as of Monday morning.
Below, join my friends and me for a frank discussion of the horrors that escaped the dressing rooms too soon—some half dressed, some lumbering about in six dresses at once. The critics: Ashley, Lauren, Melinda, Sara, Lindsey, Kelsey, Grace, and…drumroll…first male critic on the blog: Grace’s fiancé, Mike, lending some good common guy sense.
Salma Hayek
Gwen: Oh.
Sara: Is that sheer? Are those her legs?
Lauren: Egypt represent with that pyramid in the middle! Look, do you see it? I’m telling you, it’s a pyramid.
Ashley: The dress is very “let’s show off Salma Hayek; the only thing we care about is Salma; let’s not look at her face.”
Lindsey: Very true. I haven’t looked at that yet.
Charlize Theron
Lauren: Every year, guys! Long nose, long neck. She does this every year.
Ashley: The top doesn’t fit right.
Sara: I feel like it should be an empire waist.
Lindsey: Looks like trash bags.
Mike: A chrome toga.
Lauren: The dress looks photoshopped on.
Grace: She’s hiding somewhere behind it.
Sara: Like one of those cardboard things where you stick your face through the window.
Brie Larson
Kelsey: Very vampire.
Grace: Her feet are scarily white.
Gwen: The vampire sucked on those first.
Ashley: She looks like Ursula.
Lindsey: And every other Disney villainess.
Naomie Harris
Ashley: TRAINWRECK.
Melinda: That looks like toilet paper coming out her back.
Lauren: It’s like a bikini part and she just threw on a bottom.
Sara: The cutout is distracting and pointless.
Ashley: That is one carefully curated ab.
Lindsey: Also, the toe and ankle straps are switched on her feet.
Gwen: Now that’s just too cute by half.
Mike: It’s a sci-fi wedding dress.
Lauren: The collar bone! You could slay something with that.
Octavia Spencer
Grace: I’m always all about gray froofies. If I went to the Oscars, I’d go all gray and froofie.
Ashley: I love this. I think this is great.
Gwen: I love the top so much that the bottom doesn’t annoy me as much as it will tomorrow.
Lauren: Now see, that’s the worst counterpart to me. Half the dress is shiny material, half is just things sticking out.
Grace: Yes! It’s like anemones.
Lauren: Kelp.
Sara: Emu.
Grace: A beautiful emu.
Halle Berry
Lauren: OH MY GOSH LOVE HER HAIR.
Lindsey: Bad. Bad. Bad.
Kelsey: A bunch of scarves!
Sara: I do like the straps.
Gwen: This looks like all the new athletic tops where you aren’t allowed to wear normal straps anymore. It’s all about how to keep the shirt on without the assistance of traditional engineering.
Ashley: It’s such a mess of a dress. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet of a dress. Someone was craving everything.
Emma Stone
Lindsey: This is a combination of a Christmas story leg lamp and a chandelier.
Gwen: <starts singing Phantom of the Opera>
Sara: The top is really gorgeous…
Gwen: But it started doubting itself partway down.
Ashley: Emma Stone is one of the rare white-skin types that can wear gold.
Lauren: I just want to see her walk in this.
Viola Davis
Lauren: That is really cool shoulder action. Boat neck AND halter!
Ashley: It’s really refreshing how covered she is.
Grace: It’s tasteful and she looks fabulous in that color. Drama!
Nicole Kidman
<confused silence all around>
Sara: It’s a series of strategically placed doilies.
Grace: I don’t think it’s sheer in between…?
Ashley: It’s too close to be sheer for me to be happy.
Lindsey: I don’t think it’s too bad….
Grace: It creates a nice silhouette….
Mike: It’s horrible. You guys are not doing well!
Grace: It’s four things going straight down.
Mike: It’s not meant for a human being.
Gwen: Somebody desperately bored put this together and held her at gunpoint.
Lindsey: At least it’s recognizably a dress.
Mike: No, don’t make excuses.
Ashley: It looks like a bunch of flesh-colored bandaids.
Mike: It’s just bad. Quit trying to justify it. Tear it to shreds.
Ashley: That might improve it.
Mike: It’s fundamentally unsound.
Teresa Palmer
Gwen: That is just wrong.
Ashley: WORST. I call WORST.
Lindsey: It’s the worst. A lot of these are the worst, but this is the worst. The top does not fit in any good way.
Lauren: She has an empire waist, a normal waist, and a drop waist.
Gwen: She’s actually a tiny human being and all three of those waist lines are a LIE.
Mike: You’re getting better at bashing. A for Awkward.
Michelle Williams
Gwen: EWWW! Can I unsee this in any way??
Grace: That’s a big unfortunate.
Sara: Michelle’s looking very sad.
Gwen: So much droop, bedroop, bedroop.
Ashley: WORST. It looks just as bad as it does on the hanger.
Scarlet Johannson
Lauren: I actually like this dress. It makes her look thin. Her hair is nice.
Sara: Matching bracelets! Is this a new thing? And that belt!!
Ashley: It’s a 90s studded belt.
Gwen: What is it with all the horrible belt choices this year? And I just really abhor this color. All the colors.
Sara: I don’t like the belt.
Lauren: I think you have to get over the belt.
Ashley: I think the belt is super hideous.
Lauren: I would wear this. The whole outfit. I’m going to stand by that.
Janelle Monae
Sara: She looks like a clockwork doll.
Gwen: What is happening?? A most harrowing dress.
Lindsey: They pulled her out of an MRI machine and she sucked up all the metal shrapnel.
Lauren: It does like she’s standing behind a big pile of rock.
Ashley: If it were changed completely, I would like it a lot better.
Jessica Biel
Ashley: She needs to NOT wear that necklace. Wait, is it a necklace or part of the dress? It looks like a diamond dog collar. The dress is distracting from how pretty she actually is.
Grace: I like gold, but this is not my favorite instance of gold.
Lauren: It’s bark off a birch tree.
Sara: I feel like I’m noticing her part more than I should.
Ashley: I just can’t decide whether it’s a necklace or attached to the dress.
Gwen: I feel like that mystery is not worth solving.
Felicity Jones
Gwen: Oh Felicity, NOOOOO. She’s so tiny and she looks like she’s wearing pillows around her ribs.
Lauren: Is this Rogue One? She is so much cooler than this! I am so disappointed in this choice.
Ashley: It’s a really pretty dress, but not the right choice. Of all the dresses I’ve seen so far, this is the one I’d want to wear.
Kirsten Dunst
Ashley: I feel like the drama is the proportion. And woohoo, I’ve got pockets!
Sara: Not super exciting, but beautiful.
Gwen: Thank you for not making a mistake. It might not be anything to home about, but at least it’s nothing BAD to write home about.
Alicia Vikander
Lindsey: No.
Kelsey: No.
Sara: No.
Grace: I don’t like the saddle bags.
Ashley: I don’t like the bottom. There’s too much sternum going on.
Lauren: Other than the awkward cleavage, it looks like a slightly sexier rendition of the high-low hem she had going on last year. And can we just say she’s got a really nice glow? Most people are pale pale pale.
Gwen: Her tan and the contrast between black and diamonds are the best things going for her.
Mike: Black widow.
Dakota Johnson
Ashley: She looks like she’s been taking arsenic!
Melinda: We should be nicer to these poor people.
Grace: This is Norma Shearer glam.
Ashley: But embalmed.
Sara: She looks like she went to the Oscars in the 30s, died, they buried her, and then dragged her out again.
Melinda: Guys, I really think we should stop being so mean.
Mike: Her face is fine.
Lindsey: Fabric here, fabric there. It’s not cohesive.
Ashley: She should fire her stylist immediately.
Ginnifer Goodwin
Gwen: OH. NO.
Grace: She’s done this before and she should know better.
Ashley: I can’t tell which parts are sheer and I don’t like it. Too many design elements. It’s the KISS OF DEATH.
Emma Roberts
Gwen: This is disgusting.
Ashley: Exactly the same dress as Michelle Williams but worse.
Melinda: They really need to work on putting more cloth in there.
Grace: You have the money, guys! Cloth is not in short supply.
Gwen: See, Mel? You can be mean.
Sara: Overall, at least we’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of sheer NSFW dresses barely separating women from Eve.
GMBurrahobbit 
I am still trying to figure out why Emma Stone has an image of ovaries and a uterus on the front of her gown. Or could it be a skull of a long horned cow? Either way. . . . Awkward.
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