You could call the Red Carpet of the 2019 Academy Awards a train wreck except train wrecks are exciting and there has to be a train first.
This year’s fashion was a puddle of meh.
Join me and my friends and roomies as we dissect this inanity.
You must prepare yourself.
Collective: <thoughtful pause>
Gwen: Her Trump tan is an outfit in itself.
Carolyn: At least we can see her face, but I don’t know if that’s a plus or not.
Christiana: Her hips are wonky. Are those really her hips?
Ashley: She seems to be going for a Grace Kellyish look, but that necklace is HUMONGOUS. I don’t know how she’s wearing that.
Melinda: At least black is classic.
Carolyn: Are we comparing Lady Gaga to herself or to actual standards?
Christiana: I almost wouldn’t recognize this as Lady Gaga because I don’t know what she looks like without meat on her.
Carolyn: Looks like she robbed the drapes off a classic British homes—like she walked into London Palace: “I’ll take these.”
Ashley: I don’t mind it. Very shining.
Gwen: It’s not the most egregious dress. The texture’s fun, like gold leafing on a medieval manuscript. But the black trim is weirding me out. It’s like a Salvador Dali mustache.
Gwen: This is a CRIME. Letitia is cute and bubbly but this is a straitjacket of apathy. She looks like a prude spinster.
Carolyn: She needs a pop of jewelry.
Ashley: This might be one of my favorite Oscar dresses of all time! The fit is absolute perfection. The use of material is very clever because it’s got a subtle peach layer behind metallic lace, and then sheer sleeves that say, “You’re getting to get know a secret.” Very tasteful. It’s all about her face. And she’s a solid Christian.
Gwen: Bully for her, but I just wish people realized modesty is not the only form of beauty. Her neckline looks like she was concerned someone MIGHT think she’s attractive.
Carolyn: Does this spark joy, ladies?
Gwen: Most decidedly not. I’m thinking pink frosting Dalmatian.
Naomi: Lily pads!
Christiana: Tin lily pads.
Ashley: Super cute.
Carolyn: Okay, Marie, but if you’re going to wear pink, go all the way, baby. Hot pink! Be joyful.
Gwen: Wrong. Fake news. I don’t think it’s real. Get it off my screen. Why is that even a color?
Naomi: Bubble gum. Pop!! Barbie called, she wants it back.
Ashley: The best thing about this is her cheekbones. I am upset that there are puckers in front. You need to have a steamer in the car!
Christiana: Is that a…slit?
Carolyn: Oh that’s a slit.
Gwen: IT’S A SCAB. A giant bloody scab.
Ashley: Emma is the queen of choosing things that made her look old.
Carolyn: It’s her turn in the Vulcan costume.
Naomi: Aquaman fishnet.
Christiana: If you squint, the shape of her dress looks like a chihuahua.
Carolyn: Or an Egyptian cat.
Melinda: Or a prairie dog. Or a gummy bear.
Ashley: The color washes her out. But you know, Emma’s a spokesperson for Louis Vuitton, and they aren’t known for their dresses.
Gwen: Aren’t they known for their suitcases? This is a suitcase. A suitcase made out of a scab.
Carolyn: Ooh, go baby! You know me, I’m a sucker for this blue.
Ashley: I would wear this.
Gwen: I’d arm wrestle you for it.
Christiana: I love it.
Carolyn: She’s my Number 1 contender so far.
Collective: WHAT. THE. HECK.
Christiana: There’s groupage in bad places!
Ashley: She’s so stunning, how hard do you have to try to make her NOT look good?
Christiana: I can’t understand how someone so covered can be showing so much.
Ashley: Her undergarments are letting everyone down.
Gwen: Here’s the thing. Gravity is real, people. You need to reckon with the pull of life. Any dress that makes you judge a woman because she can’t stay 16 forever is pure villainy. You’re supposed to age, you’re supposed to change, and you’re supposed to dress like Helen Mirren as you do. This is cruel.
Carolyn: Oh Amy.
Gwen: I don’t like Amy Adams. I don’t care what she wears. Actually, I do. This is vomit. White vomit. Like nursing baby milk spit-up white vomit.
Naomi: It leaves nothing to the imagination.
Carolyn: Straight out of 70s upholstery.
Melinda: It’s a corset.
Ashley: She belongs in an old western saloon where the girls are in nothing but undergarments.
Collective: GO AWAY AMY.
Ashley: Hey! She’s covered!
Christiana: She scalped a disco ball.
Ashley: I’m just excited she’s not naked.
Carolyn: In the right posture, she’s an Oscar figurine.
Gwen: Is she still alive inside that thing?
Ashley: I’m always so excited when J Lo’s wearing CLOTHES.
Carolyn: Our bar is so low.
Ashley: She looks so pretty. I really like this. It looks great on her. It’s safe and kinda promy.
Carolyn: And it’s modest. It says, “I’m new, I’m still figuring myself out.”
Naomi: I think this is really bad. And dated. And tacky.
Gwen: You gotta love her for not trying to make a statement. She’s actually going for pretty and feminine instead of “let’s get all the eyeballs on me and steal a headline.”
Gwen: What the what?
Gwen: I can’t even…I hate this, I hate mystery dresses, I don’t know what this is.
Naomi: She’s the feather duster in Beauty and the Beast after she gets turned back into a human.
Gwen: It’s just wrong. More fake news.
Christiana: She looks like a Christmas decoration my aunt would have made. Seriously, my aunt used to wrap tinsel around a toilet bowl brush.
Ashley: And she’d have to walk like this: <tiptoeing with knees pinched together> doop-doop-doop-doop-doop.
Naomi: She looks like a villain.
Gwen: She’s a giant shower cap.
Christiana: It’s like she had a wardrobe malfunction and she shoved herself into some emergency pantaloons.
Ashley: She had to choose between a long skirt and a mini skirt and she chose both skirts AND NO TOP.
Carolyn: Is that a belt or skin?
Ashley: It’s a flesh belt. I’m so creeped out.
Christiana: Her center part is like an interstate.
Gwen: Oh brother. Because the whole slit thing is new!
Ashley: The torso needs to fit better, period. This is egregious. Super 90s.
Naomi: Hey, perfect, because Captain Marvel takes place in the 90s. I like the 90s!
Gwen: Not like this.
Carolyn: Oh Amy, come on, Tina did way better.
Ashley: As a culture, we do expect comedians to be less feminine. This is an expected choice.
Carolyn: But her whole career has been feminine and now she shows up like Ellen DeGeneres.
Gwen: This is badness. This is self-loathing with a smile.
Melinda: At least her pin dresses it up a little bit!
Collective: <cough, splutter>
Carolyn: The new winner for most terrible has just arrived.
Gwen: An incontinent fit of wrongdoing.
Melinda: It’s like a muumuu that keeps on going.
Christiana: You could fit five people in that dress.
Ashley: Everything about it is amazingly bad. This is a full bedsheet set!
Naomi: She looks like a birthday cake.
Carolyn: I want to set it on fire.
Carolyn: Man, SO MUCH sci fi this year!
Christiana: It’s the best of all the sci fi dresses.
Gwen: No, this is unforgivable. Emilia stuns when she’s rocking the 1950s hourglass because she’s petite and irrevocably curvy. This is foolishness. What a waste of Emilia.
Collective: WHOA HO HO.
Christiana: It’s awfully chartreuse.
Carolyn: “I am a god; worship me.”
Naomi: Like Odin.
Ashley: It does look like Asgard.
Carolyn: Ladies, are there pockets in this dress??
Gwen: That is no merit.
Ashley: The thing about the cloak is that you can’t tell what the dress looks like because there’s a FREAKING CLOAK. This is a queen mother outfit.
Christiana: It’s Loki pretending to be Odin pretending to Glenn Close.
Gwen: Kneel before me!
Collective: WHAT NOOO!
Christiana: She’s wearing a duvet and a renaissance collar! A ruff!
Ashley: She is of the most beautiful women. There is no excuse for this.
Melinda: It’s one of those mattress decoration things—you know, the bed ruffle?
Carolyn: It’s a deflated hot air balloon.
Gwen: Many bubblegums died to make this dress!
Ashley: I am very disappoint, as the internet says. Much sick, very wow. I need wine.
Carolyn: <sigh> More metal.
Ashley: Aw, I like it, except it’s too low.
Christiana: I feel like the top and bottom are two genres of fiction.
Carolyn: But talk about a woman who ages well.
Gwen: Just hike up your top, honey.
Melinda: What is with the capes, people?
Carolyn: “Check me, I‘m wearing pants!”
Christiana: Those darts bother me.
Gwen: She needs a skirt. Well-endowed could look a lot better than this.
Gwen: Oh whew, this is actually nice. Octavia is refreshingly dependable year over year. Bless her.
Ashley: I think it’s a brilliant dress. It draws all her attention to her face, and she’s gorgeous.
Collective: Oh Laura, so boring.
Carolyn: She needs a sparkle of silverness.
Ashley: I would expect this in black. It’s so basic.
Gwen: She needs a color that pops, like emerald green. This is a depressed prune.
Christiana. It’s a purple that’s given up on life.
Carolyn: I had raisin flavored gelato in Italy once. This is like that.
Carolyn: Again with the metal thing!
Christiana: Scales! Dragon!
Gwen: Armored cockroach. Like the Humvee of cockroaches.
Ashley: It’s Queen Latifah; she can wear what she wants.
Christiana: But she’s got baggy elephant elbow sleeves…
Collective: WHAT IN THE SNORT COUGH WAIL [unintelligible]
Carolyn: Well, if it rains, she’ll be fine.
Gwen: This is rank misery. Wearing this should take some years off your Purgatory sentence, that’s for sure.
Ashley: It’s her Paddington cosplay.
Gwen: She did just make a movie filled with lesbian sex. I think that’s got to do a number on your idea of beauty.
Gwen: This is just horrible beyond words. Like a trillion bad ideas took a bath together. This is like Screwtape Proposes a Dress.
Ashley: She looks like a villain from Harry Potter.
Carolyn: She’d hang out with Narcissa.
Collective: Oi! No!
Gwen: Spiteful. Rude.
Ashley: I don’t like that at all.
Christiana: Someone got murdered on the tablecloth and then she wore it.
Carolyn: Or like one of those tablecloths at a restaurant where they let the kids scribble over it?
Emily and Zoey Deschanel
Ashley: Oh gosh.
Gwen: Make it stop. Zoey, that’s—that’s one of the most beastly things I’ve ever seen.
Melinda: And her hair is Raggedy Ann.
Carolyn: You know, we live in a time when underwire exists. There is no excuse for this.
Carolyn: I love this on her. I know it’s orange sherbet, but she’s pulling it off.
Gwen: She’s running away with the grace we are all too willing to give her. She knows better than to wear this color.
Christiana: It’s a Tahitian sunset.
Ashley: She looks like a drink. A delicious drink. A Bahama Mama. The styling is great.
Gwen: Yes, she’s spectacular on everything but the color.
Collective: OH PLEASE NO.
Ashley: You’re old enough you should know you need to wear clothes!
Gwen: Please close your bathrobe.
Carolyn: She lost weight and now she wants to show it off. Come on, you’re six feet tall, you can wear anything!
Gwen: And her hair is massacred on her face.
Ashley: Yet more Hogwartsy. Very Death Eater.
Well, THAT was a ridiculous situation of capes and drapes, way too much pink, a barrage of death metal, and your typical surplus of slits and raw sternums, but mostly SO BORING. Total Kansas. Get us out of here.